Friday, November 16, 2007
Things are starting to turn around for me. I am accepting my moms death and know she is in peace. There really is a sense of independence that comes with her being gone. No longer any critisim or negative behavior. As far as the mental state I am feeling a whole lot better. Sleeping normal hours and feeling good when I am awake. Finances are still at an all time low but next month should improve. It sucks being on such a fixed income but it's better than no income at all. I am now in search of section 8 housing so I can have a place of my own again. I feel like I am imposing on Perfect and Sadie's life although I try real hard to be as easy to get along as possible. Even under the best of circumstances living in someone elses house is difficult. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the help they have given me but it's time for me to move on. Hopefully it won't take long to get into the housing but at least I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to find something close so if I need help they will be close at hand. So things are looking up and I am finally out of that miserable cloud I was under.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
It's been 11 days since my mom passed away. I am filled with anxiety and panic attacks. The crying seems to have stopped for the most part but the other feelings are overwhelming at times. I am not sure what to do with myself. Mornings are particularly difficult cuz everyone is sleeping and I don't want to get up and do anything that might make noise and wake Perfect and Sadie. So I try to sleep and that doesn't work, I try to read but until I get some reading glasses that doesn't work. So I sit and shake and rock and shake some more. I also got some troublesome news from my pain management dr. It seems as though I have a herniated discs and degenerative discs disease and am in need of surgery. I have had back surgery and that was hell. I am not looking forward to neck surgery. Right now I am not on any pain meds and that makes it difficult. I should be getting some by Monday. It seems strange to me that I am now the "queen bee" of the family now. That's a role I wasn't prepared to play. There is a certain amount of freedom now that mom is gone. She was a dr. or so she thought and always disagreed with whatever a dr. may say. So this time with my neck I don't have to listen to her opinionated ideas. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep the family together and considering my family that could be difficult. I love all my brothers but one of them is as opinionated and difficult at times as my mother was. Another brother lives about 5 hours away and is pretty much a loner. Another brother is very sweet but keeps all his feelings to himself. And then there is me, a lot luck my mother and yet a little more free spirited and my feelings are easily hurt. So where do I go from here and how do I get to where I am not shaking out of my skin. I want to be at peace again. They tell me that will come but for this emotional wreck that time can't come too soon.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday October 28th, 2007 at approximately 8:50 a.m.. my mom passed away. The service to be held Thurday at 10:30 a.m. at the American Legion Post #25. Perfect and Sadie have arranged to get off work so I don't have to go by myself. I find myself going through moments of intense crying and then numbness and disbelief. My mom and I had a stormy relationship to put it mildly until 2 years ago when we called a truce and became friends. It was the best thing for me and her. We played a lot of yahtzee and shopped a lot of goodwill stores and ate out for breakfast and lunch. It was like getting to know her all over again without any resentments. I will forever be grateful that we were able to come to terms and enjoy each other's company. As I sit and type this the tears begin to fall again. It was indeed a blessing that she passed on so she could be at peace. Too often we lose people in our lives before we find out how important they are to us. I at least had the opportunity to tell her I loved her and to hold her hand and let her know it was o.k. to let go. I feel such a loss and yet for the past couple of months she wasn't able to communicate very well. Cliff Castle casino will surely miss her...lol. It's been strange talking to family and friends that I haven't spoke to in years. It's too bad it takes something like this to reconnect with people. Although it seems like no matter how much time has gone by we pick right back up where we left off. The next couple of days are going to be pretty rough and then starts the healing process. Somebody as domineering and opinionated as my mom was isn't easy to forget, nor would I want to. For those who knew her and for the daughter who loved her she will be sorely missed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Today I recieved a phone call updating me on my mom's condition. It's not good. The hospice nurse says she is not responsive...slipping away more each day. The hospice nurse says she doesn't expect my mom to make it through the weekend. Immediately I cry. My dad died suddenly at the age of 42 and I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. I always hated that. With Mom I have had weeks to say good-bye and a year before that to tell her how much I love her. I am so glad that we were reunited over a year ago. I enjoyed my time with her and she really seemed to enjoy her time with me. But over the last 6 months she has been so depressed and repeatedly wishing she would die. She was lonely and had a great deal of difficulty walking and that depressed her even more. I guess as her daughter I kept thinking that she should shake all those bad feelings and enjoy her time with me and my brothers. Pretty selfish...huh? With my dad being gone and now soon my mom being gone I am beginning to feel like an orphan. There is one really special lady in my life (well many special ladies) but this one is a former mother-in-law. Her son and I divorced 7 years ago but she has remained a constant in my life since then. She never fails to let me know how special I am to her and remembers every holiday. I talk to her every Saturday morning just playing catch up and she has said I can come stay with her when my mom passes. She lives about 30 minutes from my mom. My ex-husband & I are good friends which is unusual but appreciated. So now I have the warning that she is passing and it doesn't seem a whole lot better. The one thing I can say is that I don't have any regrets. I loved her and I will miss her.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Last Saturday Lex Fori & I took what turned out to be one of the saddest trips I have ever made. My mom is dying at the age of 74. She resides in a nursing home and has been going down hill for about a year now. She doesn't really have any real medical problems. They are calling it failure to thrive. She is slowly starving herself to death. So I go see her and give her permission to go ahead and die. They told me that that was the best thing I could've told her. They told me she has a week to 10 days before she passes on. Lex Fori was a tremendous help...being around when I didn't want to be alone and leaving me to be alone with my mom when I needed to be. She also let my mom know that no matter what happens that her and fiancee would be there to take care of me. I know that was a huge relief for her. My mom and I were not close...actually we weren't speaking for about 8 years. Then one day I decided that I no longer wanted to be on the outs with her so I went and visited her.. That was awesome, I visited her every weekend for months until she got worse and no longer seemed to know I was there. It's really sad to think of her gone now. I will miss her terribly. So now I just wait for that final word that Mom is gone.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Well, today my son asked if I could go stay with my other son and daughter-in law. It seems as though they are doing a great deal of fighting. I guess things would be better for them if I am out of the way and give them space. It kind of sucks cuz I just got to where I knew where everything is i.e. store, pharmacy, drs office. It would be a real drag if I didn't like where I am going. My other son and Lex get along real well and there is no tension at their house. I also get to spend time with my granddaughter so that also makes it sweet. I really enjoy myself at my second son and Lex's house. I have enjoyed myself at Perfect and Sadie Grey's house but there are way too many instances of tension and fighting that make it very uncomfortable to be there. Perfect is way easy to get along with. I think he is a little upset with me because of the way I acted in our last fight. I apologized for that twice but I don't think it sank in. I hate to see anybody fight and I know that they love each other but it is going to be destroyed if the fighting doesn't stop soon. I know when there is fighting going on it is not one sided. Both people seem intent on making their point, but I wonder at what costs. I love both of my sons and both of my daughter-in-laws and I hope by leaving for a while that they will come to some kind of mutual agreement and stop the fighting. It only creates hurt and long lasting resentments when two people are fighting. I certainly don't want to be the cause of any of their problems but I feel like sometimes it would be better if I were gone. I really had high hopes when I moved down here in August that we could be like one big happy family. Apparently that's not the way it's going to be and that makes me sad. I am so grateful that I have some place to go right now and that that someplace is really comfortable for me to be there. Maybe it's only temporary. I know I saw Perfect very sad today and as his mom that really hurts me too. So maybe things will work out real soon and if I have to stay gone then so be it. That is what I will do to keep the peace and as long as I am welcome at my son and Lex's house.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I am depressed! I am figuring up my bills and my income and the two just don't figure up. I don't know why money always seems to be at the forefront of a lot of people's lives. At least it seems to be in my life. This month I cut myself to tight and ended up with no money the last two weeks before my pay day. Thankfully my daughter came up with the money to pay for my cell phone or they would be shutting it off today. Having m.s. I hate to be without a phone in case I need to call for help. Although Perfect told me last night that I can always dial 911 and it will work. That's a load off of my mind. So I am figuring up my bills for next month and my check for next month and it looks like another tight month. God I hate being poor!! . I live on a disability check that I get on the 3rd of each month and it has to last all month. I just don't figure things right cuz once I pay my bills I am always running short before the next pay day. Thankfully Perfect has been buying what I need until pay day. I don't want anybody to have to pay my bills or my expenses so I guess I will have to figure differently this next month. Anyway I don't get paid for another 6 days so it will be tight until then. Hopefully this next month I figure things differently so nobody has to help me in the month before I get paid again. So maybe I will get up and take a walk. They say exercise is good for depression. Being bi-polar and with the m.s. I seem to be fighting depression a lot. My back and neck hurt from degenerative discs disease. I am just a mess. This is a really depressing blog. On the up side, a week or so ago, my two boys and their partners & I got together at Lex Fori's and my second son's house for dinner. Perfect cooked some really good chicken and then 4 of us played board games. The main reason I moved down here was to be close to my family, and nights like that definitely make it feel worth the move. It's been a long time since I have been able to spend time like that before. Except for number 1 son that is in Egypt and his wife I had everybody together. Although Lex & I lost the first game it was certainly worthwhile to play. I guess I need to concentrate on times like that instead of worrying so much about my financial situation. I can't seem to do much about it and it's definitely more up-lifting to concentrate on the good times. I enjoy spending time with both my son's and their better halves that it really is more productive concentrating on that. So I guess this blogging thing is good for me because as I am writing it seems to put things in perspective. So I will make an effort to continue to blog and concentrate on my blessings. They number quite a few!