The Mom is gettiinng back in the groove!

Things are starting to turn around for me. I am accepting my moms death and know she is in peace. There really is a sense of independence that comes with her being gone. No longer any critisim or negative behavior. As far as the mental state I am feeling a whole lot better. Sleeping normal hours and feeling good when I am awake. Finances are still at an all time low but next month should improve. It sucks being on such a fixed income but it's better than no income at all. I am now in search of section 8 housing so I can have a place of my own again. I feel like I am imposing on Perfect and Sadie's life although I try real hard to be as easy to get along as possible. Even under the best of circumstances living in someone elses house is difficult. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the help they have given me but it's time for me to move on. Hopefully it won't take long to get into the housing but at least I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to find something close so if I need help they will be close at hand. So things are looking up and I am finally out of that miserable cloud I was under.

The Mom is now the Matriarch

It's been 11 days since my mom passed away. I am filled with anxiety and panic attacks. The crying seems to have stopped for the most part but the other feelings are overwhelming at times. I am not sure what to do with myself. Mornings are particularly difficult cuz everyone is sleeping and I don't want to get up and do anything that might make noise and wake Perfect and Sadie. So I try to sleep and that doesn't work, I try to read but until I get some reading glasses that doesn't work. So I sit and shake and rock and shake some more. I also got some troublesome news from my pain management dr. It seems as though I have a herniated discs and degenerative discs disease and am in need of surgery. I have had back surgery and that was hell. I am not looking forward to neck surgery. Right now I am not on any pain meds and that makes it difficult. I should be getting some by Monday. It seems strange to me that I am now the "queen bee" of the family now. That's a role I wasn't prepared to play. There is a certain amount of freedom now that mom is gone. She was a dr. or so she thought and always disagreed with whatever a dr. may say. So this time with my neck I don't have to listen to her opinionated ideas. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep the family together and considering my family that could be difficult. I love all my brothers but one of them is as opinionated and difficult at times as my mother was. Another brother lives about 5 hours away and is pretty much a loner. Another brother is very sweet but keeps all his feelings to himself. And then there is me, a lot luck my mother and yet a little more free spirited and my feelings are easily hurt. So where do I go from here and how do I get to where I am not shaking out of my skin. I want to be at peace again. They tell me that will come but for this emotional wreck that time can't come too soon.

The Mom is now an orphan

Sunday October 28th, 2007 at approximately 8:50 a.m.. my mom passed away. The service to be held Thurday at 10:30 a.m. at the American Legion Post #25. Perfect and Sadie have arranged to get off work so I don't have to go by myself. I find myself going through moments of intense crying and then numbness and disbelief. My mom and I had a stormy relationship to put it mildly until 2 years ago when we called a truce and became friends. It was the best thing for me and her. We played a lot of yahtzee and shopped a lot of goodwill stores and ate out for breakfast and lunch. It was like getting to know her all over again without any resentments. I will forever be grateful that we were able to come to terms and enjoy each other's company. As I sit and type this the tears begin to fall again. It was indeed a blessing that she passed on so she could be at peace. Too often we lose people in our lives before we find out how important they are to us. I at least had the opportunity to tell her I loved her and to hold her hand and let her know it was o.k. to let go. I feel such a loss and yet for the past couple of months she wasn't able to communicate very well. Cliff Castle casino will surely miss her...lol. It's been strange talking to family and friends that I haven't spoke to in years. It's too bad it takes something like this to reconnect with people. Although it seems like no matter how much time has gone by we pick right back up where we left off. The next couple of days are going to be pretty rough and then starts the healing process. Somebody as domineering and opinionated as my mom was isn't easy to forget, nor would I want to. For those who knew her and for the daughter who loved her she will be sorely missed.

The Mom Back in the Country

Today I recieved a phone call updating me on my mom's condition. It's not good. The hospice nurse says she is not responsive...slipping away more each day. The hospice nurse says she doesn't expect my mom to make it through the weekend. Immediately I cry. My dad died suddenly at the age of 42 and I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. I always hated that. With Mom I have had weeks to say good-bye and a year before that to tell her how much I love her. I am so glad that we were reunited over a year ago. I enjoyed my time with her and she really seemed to enjoy her time with me. But over the last 6 months she has been so depressed and repeatedly wishing she would die. She was lonely and had a great deal of difficulty walking and that depressed her even more. I guess as her daughter I kept thinking that she should shake all those bad feelings and enjoy her time with me and my brothers. Pretty selfish...huh? With my dad being gone and now soon my mom being gone I am beginning to feel like an orphan. There is one really special lady in my life (well many special ladies) but this one is a former mother-in-law. Her son and I divorced 7 years ago but she has remained a constant in my life since then. She never fails to let me know how special I am to her and remembers every holiday. I talk to her every Saturday morning just playing catch up and she has said I can come stay with her when my mom passes. She lives about 30 minutes from my mom. My ex-husband & I are good friends which is unusual but appreciated. So now I have the warning that she is passing and it doesn't seem a whole lot better. The one thing I can say is that I don't have any regrets. I loved her and I will miss her.

The Mom Back in the Country

Last Saturday Lex Fori & I took what turned out to be one of the saddest trips I have ever made. My mom is dying at the age of 74. She resides in a nursing home and has been going down hill for about a year now. She doesn't really have any real medical problems. They are calling it failure to thrive. She is slowly starving herself to death. So I go see her and give her permission to go ahead and die. They told me that that was the best thing I could've told her. They told me she has a week to 10 days before she passes on. Lex Fori was a tremendous help...being around when I didn't want to be alone and leaving me to be alone with my mom when I needed to be. She also let my mom know that no matter what happens that her and fiancee would be there to take care of me. I know that was a huge relief for her. My mom and I were not close...actually we weren't speaking for about 8 years. Then one day I decided that I no longer wanted to be on the outs with her so I went and visited her.. That was awesome, I visited her every weekend for months until she got worse and no longer seemed to know I was there. It's really sad to think of her gone now. I will miss her terribly. So now I just wait for that final word that Mom is gone.

The Mom on the Move again!

Well, today my son asked if I could go stay with my other son and daughter-in law. It seems as though they are doing a great deal of fighting. I guess things would be better for them if I am out of the way and give them space. It kind of sucks cuz I just got to where I knew where everything is i.e. store, pharmacy, drs office. It would be a real drag if I didn't like where I am going. My other son and Lex get along real well and there is no tension at their house. I also get to spend time with my granddaughter so that also makes it sweet. I really enjoy myself at my second son and Lex's house. I have enjoyed myself at Perfect and Sadie Grey's house but there are way too many instances of tension and fighting that make it very uncomfortable to be there. Perfect is way easy to get along with. I think he is a little upset with me because of the way I acted in our last fight. I apologized for that twice but I don't think it sank in. I hate to see anybody fight and I know that they love each other but it is going to be destroyed if the fighting doesn't stop soon. I know when there is fighting going on it is not one sided. Both people seem intent on making their point, but I wonder at what costs. I love both of my sons and both of my daughter-in-laws and I hope by leaving for a while that they will come to some kind of mutual agreement and stop the fighting. It only creates hurt and long lasting resentments when two people are fighting. I certainly don't want to be the cause of any of their problems but I feel like sometimes it would be better if I were gone. I really had high hopes when I moved down here in August that we could be like one big happy family. Apparently that's not the way it's going to be and that makes me sad. I am so grateful that I have some place to go right now and that that someplace is really comfortable for me to be there. Maybe it's only temporary. I know I saw Perfect very sad today and as his mom that really hurts me too. So maybe things will work out real soon and if I have to stay gone then so be it. That is what I will do to keep the peace and as long as I am welcome at my son and Lex's house.

The Mom in the Dumps

I am depressed! I am figuring up my bills and my income and the two just don't figure up. I don't know why money always seems to be at the forefront of a lot of people's lives. At least it seems to be in my life. This month I cut myself to tight and ended up with no money the last two weeks before my pay day. Thankfully my daughter came up with the money to pay for my cell phone or they would be shutting it off today. Having m.s. I hate to be without a phone in case I need to call for help. Although Perfect told me last night that I can always dial 911 and it will work. That's a load off of my mind. So I am figuring up my bills for next month and my check for next month and it looks like another tight month. God I hate being poor!! . I live on a disability check that I get on the 3rd of each month and it has to last all month. I just don't figure things right cuz once I pay my bills I am always running short before the next pay day. Thankfully Perfect has been buying what I need until pay day. I don't want anybody to have to pay my bills or my expenses so I guess I will have to figure differently this next month. Anyway I don't get paid for another 6 days so it will be tight until then. Hopefully this next month I figure things differently so nobody has to help me in the month before I get paid again. So maybe I will get up and take a walk. They say exercise is good for depression. Being bi-polar and with the m.s. I seem to be fighting depression a lot. My back and neck hurt from degenerative discs disease. I am just a mess. This is a really depressing blog. On the up side, a week or so ago, my two boys and their partners & I got together at Lex Fori's and my second son's house for dinner. Perfect cooked some really good chicken and then 4 of us played board games. The main reason I moved down here was to be close to my family, and nights like that definitely make it feel worth the move. It's been a long time since I have been able to spend time like that before. Except for number 1 son that is in Egypt and his wife I had everybody together. Although Lex & I lost the first game it was certainly worthwhile to play. I guess I need to concentrate on times like that instead of worrying so much about my financial situation. I can't seem to do much about it and it's definitely more up-lifting to concentrate on the good times. I enjoy spending time with both my son's and their better halves that it really is more productive concentrating on that. So I guess this blogging thing is good for me because as I am writing it seems to put things in perspective. So I will make an effort to continue to blog and concentrate on my blessings. They number quite a few!

The Mom from the Country cont.

Oh my God! I waited 2 weeks to get my referral to a pain specialist that my so called dr. referred me to. They called yesterday and I missed their call. Today I started calling this morning in hopes of getting an appointment. I finally reach somebody to get the appt.. and in the course of our conversation I discover they can't prescribe pain meds. Obviously there was a lack of communication from my dr. to their office.. I asks this lady what I am supposed to do now. She says she doesn't know but maybe I should contact my dr. to get some help. Well, that aint happening. I remember that with the script for my pain meds from my country dr. that she had included a name of a pain specialist. I make the call and leave a message. In the interim my phone is going to be shut off because I screwed up on my bill paying last month. So I will have to keep calling from Sadie Grey's phone until I reach somebody. My hopes are that they can prescribe pain meds. Whoever heard of a pain specialist that can't prescribe pain meds? Well, I found them. Hopefully this next place can help. We shall see....

Mom from the Country

Being from the country I seemed to have been spoiled by my family dr. I am currently on some pain medication for my multiple sclerosis and my degenerative discs disease in my back and neck. I have been seeing my family doctor for quite some time and each month she would write a new script for my pain meds. I moved down here to the city in August and I began my search for a new family doctor. I found one...sort of. I went to see him to get a medication refill on my pain meds and he informs me that noone in the office can write pain scripts. This is on a Friday and I am going to be out of my meds soon. Not only was he not able to write my script, he was of no help on what to do next. I called my family doc and left a message with her telling her of my plight. So this weekend Lex Fori and I beging our search for an emergency room that would help me. We first went to County hospital. That was a joke. A lot of crazies in there waiting to be seen. People yelling at each other and one man called this lady patient a pscho...she was but he didn't need to tell her that. Realizing that it was going to be a long wait we went to another hospital. It was way out in the boonies and when Lex got a little confused we found ourselves taking the scenic route. At last we end up at a new hospital and I am in and out of there in an hour and a half. With a dose being given to me there and a script for 3 more days I felt like I was getting somewhere. So Monday I get the mail and it is a note from my country doctor. She had enclosed a script for a month and also a name of a new doctor and a pain management doctor also. It seems as though doctors down here are not alowed to prescibe class A drugs. I need to go to a specialist for that. What a bunch of b.s. when I can't go to my family doctor and get help. After all I was used to being able to do that at home. On the up side I went fishing the other day with Sadie Grey. I hadn't been fishing in about 15 years. We were getting ready to go home with the only catch for the day being Sadie Greys when we saw fish jumping. I threw my bait in the water and lo and behold I caught one. It was a bass coming in a weight of probably a pound and half. It was awesome! I was so excited. It was a really good day I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I look forward to going again soon. I really wished Perfect would have been there to see it. He was really happy for me. Well, that's pretty much it for me for the last few weeks. I hope to blog again soon and not wait so long next time. I almost forgot, I was at Lex Foris house Sunday night and she cooked some awesome chicken. She is not used to being the cook and she had found a recipe for the chicken and decided to try it. Hoping the chicken didn't turn out dry like her other attempts she was really glad to find we had enjoyed the dinner a lot. It was really good and I think it prompted her to search out more recipes to try out on us. I look forward to the next attempts. This wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that she really hasn't done much cooking and her last attempts didn't turn out so well. So on with the next recipes. Thanks Lex for a really good dinner.

The Mom About Town

It's been awhile since I have blogged. Not sure why I haven't cuz it's not because I've been too busy. Oh well on with my saga. Yesterday I actually got out and drove by myself to an A.A. meeting and to the post office and to the store. I did have to make a couple of calls home to get my bearings again but all in all I did pretty well. The meeting was good and I collected my 11 year chip. Eleven years of sobriety...wow! It has really gone by pretty fast when I look back. There were some shaky times in the 11 years but thankfully I had my sponsor or a close friend to bring me back to what's really important. That and the fact that alcohol would not only not help the situation but it would also make the situation worse. For the most part these days I don't even think about a drink which is good. Yesterday was my son's birthday. It was a nice day. Sadie baked a homemade cake and we had ice cream to go with it. Sometimes I feel so old. Like when one of my kids has another birthday....lol I've really been praying for my other son and his fiancee'. She lost her job due to her illness and he had been spending the time being Mr. Dad. He is has been pounding the pavement looking for work and it looks like he may have been successful. He will be laying pipe (very difficult labor). Hopefully he is able to do it because he has his own health problems. I know they have been through some really difficult times to put it mildly. His fiancee' still hasn't been able to get anything done for her health problems which has lead to some pretty bad depression. I know things are going to start getting better for them, I just wish it would start NOW! Anyway things are going pretty good. I have a drs. appt. with my new dr. That is good because then he can refer me to a pain specialist for my back. Things are slowly coming together. They say that moving is one of the top three stresses in life along with death and divorce. I believe it. It just seems to take so long to get acclimated to my new surroundings. Oh well, on with another day.

Mom in the Snow Country

Hi there everybody, I just got back from spending 3 really nice days back in the snow country. I thought I would want to stay once I got up there but quite the contrary. I really had a nice time but it was really good coming home. I really missed Perfect and sadie grey and my couch. lol
I went up there to celebrate my 11 years of sobriety. I got sober there so I wanted to go back. They gave me a card that everyone had signed and also a birthday cake. My friend that I went up there with gave me a really special 11 year chip on a chain so I can where it as a necklace. We went to a lot of meetings which was really good. It had been a while since I had attended that many meetings in that short amount of time. It was really nice to go to the meetings. To another person who is a member of A.A. they would really understand. I don't know what happened to my font, tried to correct it but it didn't help. I tried some more buttons and that helped a little.lol My friend took me and a couple to dinner at the Outback...my favorite place. I had my ususal...Alaskan king crab legs. Normally I can eat all of it but this time I couldn't...so sad. I also developed a cough while I was up there. Smoked like 5 cigarettes one day. Nasty habit!! Anyway it is really good to be home and I just hear I may get to see my grandson this Sunday. Awesome. It's been awile since I have seen him. I am sure he won't know me but that's o.k. I never thought that I would be glad to be mom in the city but I am. I guess I am finally adjusting to my new surroundings. You Think!! Well that willl be all from me for now...but I will return<3

just another day in the city

Hi everybody, The first thing I want to do is comment on SadieGreys last post. I was so proud of her and in her insight fullness after going with me to an A.A. meeting. It seriously brought tears to my eyes as I read it. This maybe the wrong place to make comments on a blog but I guess I will learn as I go. I am currently in the process of finding a primary care physician so that I can ultimately end up seeing a dr. for my back. I already had a back fusion where they go in and install a titanium rod and cage to fix my chronic back disease known as degenerative discs disease. My back is killing me right now...only when I sit, stand, or walk. So off I go for the search of a good family doc. It was really great attending my first AA meeting here in town. The people were great and sharing as usual was really informative. I look forward to attending more meetings. Kemo and I are getting ready to go to the pharmacy to hopefully pick up some medications that I phoned in and to drop off another one. I am feeling more settled in that I have been. I seem to be able to cry at least once daily...just the emotions of the big move. I am living with my son and daughter-in-law and they are both really going out of their way to make sure I am comfortable. I love them both dearly. I am surely blessed. So I will go for now and do our errands. I will return to blogging soon.

This is my second day of using my blog. I have just recently sold most of my belongings and moving from snow country to a huge city where the lows here are higher than our highs back home. It was a decision made by both me and one of my sons and my daughter-in-law. At times I have wondered if I made a good decision or not. I have multible sclerosis and it has come to a time when it is best to not live alone any longer. I really believe in the long run, when we get all of our kinks worked out that this will indeed be a good decision. This is a town that i was born in and left when i was 23...many years ago and swearing i would not return to this God-forsaken heat infested city. Well, here is proof that one should never say never! There are some real positives to this move. The first one is I get to be with most of my family. Besides living with one of my son's & daughter-in-law, I am about 30 minutes away from another one of my sons and another daughter-in-law and a beautiful granddaughter. Totally Awesome! Tonight I am hoping to go to my first A.A. meeting down here. Should be interesting. Since I have been gone so long from here I have no clue where anything is. I get lost taking a walk around our apartment...I don't look forward to getting out there and finding out where everything is coz I am sure I will get lost. After re reading what I have wrote down I find that I could be termed as passive-aggressive. Not sure if I want to do anymore blogging if I am going to find out things like that. Oh well I will continue to blog...it might be helpful. Well, I will close for now. I hope I get some comments on my blog. Thanks for reading this.

My Life

whats your favorite color?	blue
whats the last song you listened to?	elvis songs
has a crush ever made you cry?	yes, but of course
are you a social person?	semi social most of the time I just hang out on the couch and watch t.v but my roomie is getting me up and out morenow
whats the last concert you went to?	simon & garfunkle outside at some rodeo grounds it was awesome
how tall are you?	5foot 2 inches
do you think your attractive?	sometimes, it depends on my atittude
have you ever peed in a pool/lake?	no!!!!
do you have siblings?	yes, 3 brothers one of them is a twin brother,
do you have a best friend?	several, I am very fortunate
can you keep a secret?	yes, if I make a promise not to tell something I keep it,,,always
have you ever kissed a pet on the mouth?	yes, dogs, cats
have you ever done anything illegal?	but of course, haven't you
whats your drug of choice?	drugs are bad duh!
have you ever broken a bone?	yes 3 all of them were my ankles
whos the last person that called you?	My brother, the twin.
name 5 things you can do with a brick:	Break a window, build a wall, sit on it, 5 things?? huh.
big bird vs. elmo, who would win?	Big bird
what do you usually order from starbucks?	I don't
do you have any tattoos?	No, But that may change.
have you ever cut your own hair?	Yes. Sorry to say.
have you ever had a stalker?	No
what is your ringtone?	Memories
what color underwear are you wearing?	White
what the thing that annoys you most?	Liars, cheaters, selfish people,
have you ever thought your cousin was hot?	Hell yea, I lived with him for 2 years.
have you ever kissed a picture?	Yes
do you like to play dress up?	Yes
have you ever thought about what people would say at your funeral?	Yea
has someone pushed you in a pool with all you clothes on?	Yes
what are you wearing right now?	PJ's
do you have more than one piercing?	Yes, 2 in my ears.
m&ms or skittles?	M&M's everyday
do you have braces?	Not anymore
do you still watch kiddie tv shows?	No
vampires or werewolves?	Neither
are you easily amused?	Sometimes
have you ever sung kareoke?	No
do you sing in the shower?	Yes
have you ever sat on top of a roof?	Yes
did you nswer this surver truthfully?	Mostly... :)
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

My first day in the city

Today is my first day at bloggin. I am not sure what I want to say but I know I would like comments on whatever I write. Tomorrow Perfect & I are going to visit an old women in a nursing home. That woman would be my mom. She is not doing well physically or mentally. Hopefully the trip will go well. It will be very helpful having Perfect along. I am trying to adapt to city life. I moved here from a small town that was alot colder than here. Boy there are alot of people here. I lived here 30 years ago. Things have really changed since then....freeways everywhere!!!! The heat is horrible...not used to anything over 85 degrees. Well, I will close for now but will be back again soon....