The Mom is gettiinng back in the groove!

Things are starting to turn around for me. I am accepting my moms death and know she is in peace. There really is a sense of independence that comes with her being gone. No longer any critisim or negative behavior. As far as the mental state I am feeling a whole lot better. Sleeping normal hours and feeling good when I am awake. Finances are still at an all time low but next month should improve. It sucks being on such a fixed income but it's better than no income at all. I am now in search of section 8 housing so I can have a place of my own again. I feel like I am imposing on Perfect and Sadie's life although I try real hard to be as easy to get along as possible. Even under the best of circumstances living in someone elses house is difficult. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the help they have given me but it's time for me to move on. Hopefully it won't take long to get into the housing but at least I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to find something close so if I need help they will be close at hand. So things are looking up and I am finally out of that miserable cloud I was under.

The Mom is now the Matriarch

It's been 11 days since my mom passed away. I am filled with anxiety and panic attacks. The crying seems to have stopped for the most part but the other feelings are overwhelming at times. I am not sure what to do with myself. Mornings are particularly difficult cuz everyone is sleeping and I don't want to get up and do anything that might make noise and wake Perfect and Sadie. So I try to sleep and that doesn't work, I try to read but until I get some reading glasses that doesn't work. So I sit and shake and rock and shake some more. I also got some troublesome news from my pain management dr. It seems as though I have a herniated discs and degenerative discs disease and am in need of surgery. I have had back surgery and that was hell. I am not looking forward to neck surgery. Right now I am not on any pain meds and that makes it difficult. I should be getting some by Monday. It seems strange to me that I am now the "queen bee" of the family now. That's a role I wasn't prepared to play. There is a certain amount of freedom now that mom is gone. She was a dr. or so she thought and always disagreed with whatever a dr. may say. So this time with my neck I don't have to listen to her opinionated ideas. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep the family together and considering my family that could be difficult. I love all my brothers but one of them is as opinionated and difficult at times as my mother was. Another brother lives about 5 hours away and is pretty much a loner. Another brother is very sweet but keeps all his feelings to himself. And then there is me, a lot luck my mother and yet a little more free spirited and my feelings are easily hurt. So where do I go from here and how do I get to where I am not shaking out of my skin. I want to be at peace again. They tell me that will come but for this emotional wreck that time can't come too soon.