Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Mom is now the Matriarch

It's been 11 days since my mom passed away. I am filled with anxiety and panic attacks. The crying seems to have stopped for the most part but the other feelings are overwhelming at times. I am not sure what to do with myself. Mornings are particularly difficult cuz everyone is sleeping and I don't want to get up and do anything that might make noise and wake Perfect and Sadie. So I try to sleep and that doesn't work, I try to read but until I get some reading glasses that doesn't work. So I sit and shake and rock and shake some more. I also got some troublesome news from my pain management dr. It seems as though I have a herniated discs and degenerative discs disease and am in need of surgery. I have had back surgery and that was hell. I am not looking forward to neck surgery. Right now I am not on any pain meds and that makes it difficult. I should be getting some by Monday. It seems strange to me that I am now the "queen bee" of the family now. That's a role I wasn't prepared to play. There is a certain amount of freedom now that mom is gone. She was a dr. or so she thought and always disagreed with whatever a dr. may say. So this time with my neck I don't have to listen to her opinionated ideas. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep the family together and considering my family that could be difficult. I love all my brothers but one of them is as opinionated and difficult at times as my mother was. Another brother lives about 5 hours away and is pretty much a loner. Another brother is very sweet but keeps all his feelings to himself. And then there is me, a lot luck my mother and yet a little more free spirited and my feelings are easily hurt. So where do I go from here and how do I get to where I am not shaking out of my skin. I want to be at peace again. They tell me that will come but for this emotional wreck that time can't come too soon.

11 comments:

Lex Fori said...

What is up with all this "Queen Bee" and "Matriarch" stuff? I don't get it... We're a family, everyone has their part. We each do what we do best and somehow, between the lot of us, I think we do ok. It's not all on your shoulders to hold anyone together. Love makes real families stick together; it's not a job that one person does. Especially once folks are grown up (or should be ;)

As for your siblings, do you feel like your relationships with them should change now that your mom is gone? If so, how come? I worry that you're stressing yourself out even more by perceiving yourself as being responsible for so many things, especially things that no one person can (or should) completely control.

What do you do when you start shaking and rocking like that? Have you tried to get up and walk around or distract yourself? I mean distract yourself in a physical sense, not sitting watching tv or reading. I've had those type of panic attacks before - and I found that they got even worse when I fell deeper into the emotions and let them wash over me. I would literally have to tell myself, out loud, in a commanding voice, to stop the looping, repetitive thoughts. It didn't always make it go away completely, but it almost always helped to some extent. I remember sitting on the ground rocking back and forth, repeating to myself "Stop, Stop, Stop thinking XXX" over and over. Then I would get up, walk around, and tell myself a story out loud - about something unrelated. Something positive and relaxing. Fiance' taught me that mental trick when I was 15. It stuck with me and it really helps.

I'm so sorry to hear about your needing surgery. Surgery sucks. Ugh, neck surgery - that sounds like a LONG recovery... ucko. How long do you think you'll have to stay in the hospital afterwards? How long did you stay after back surgery? Now matter how difficult it will be in the short term to recover, I'm optimistic it will give you lots more relief than the meds. Heehee -- you're going to have to wear one of those funny neck braces for awhile. Can I sign it ;)

Hang in there. We all love you so much and can't wait to see you get a spring back in your step. I know it takes time, but I sure miss seeing you happy and laughing =( I'm sure you do too.

I can't wait for you to come over tomorrow. Hurry up!! I miss you all the time.

Love you, love you, love you

~smooch~

Anonymous said...

Lex-clue you in on the Queen Bee stuff. When Mom first found out her mom was passing, she kept saying she felt like an orphan. With no other thoughts on how to respond, I joking told her "She was the Queen Bee now, the oldest, the one in charge.." Surely soemthing better could of been said, but I'm just not that good at things like that....what can I say?
So its not a slam or anything..
As far as siblings, that shit is always a struggle, parents or not. Its a unique relationship, one that comes with tons of history. I think in situations like these, true colors fly sky high when it comes to immediate family, and lots of times it gets difficult because there is a higher emotion level involved. It will all blow over, but there could be some damage done along the way. But what can you do?? Just hope for the best, eh??
On the plus side, I think the surgery is an awesome thing. Granted, it's not going to be a good time, but the end result will be.
I wish you all the best with it!
Love you mom!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I wish I could give you better advice on the shaking. Just try not to think about it...I guess. I don't know, really. But that seems to do the trick???
Don't worry, soon this will all be behind you. Just have to take it.....one day at a time....
LOL!

Love you again!! BuhBye

Lex Fori said...

Sadie, I'm confused about the sibling stuff...? Are you talking about Mom specifically or siblings generally? I mean, I have brothers and sisters, so I do know a little about sibling operations. Not sure what that part was getting at - seemed kinda vague.

Aura of conspiracy about you

~~wooooo~~

mysterious

Anonymous said...

It was directed at mom, just generalization I guess. It was late. I was tired. Whatev...
LOL

Lex Fori said...

Hee - I'm lost. Man, I need to get some frickin' sleep. I feel like a twack-attack, starting to see shadow people n stuff. I always wondered if that happened when you stayed up naturally... It does, just not nearly as bad. I keep thinking I see Rou walking by me but he's just flopping out in Bethany's room.

Lex Fori said...

Hey Mom - aren't you the comment queen?

;)

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