The Mom is now an orphan

Sunday October 28th, 2007 at approximately 8:50 a.m.. my mom passed away. The service to be held Thurday at 10:30 a.m. at the American Legion Post #25. Perfect and Sadie have arranged to get off work so I don't have to go by myself. I find myself going through moments of intense crying and then numbness and disbelief. My mom and I had a stormy relationship to put it mildly until 2 years ago when we called a truce and became friends. It was the best thing for me and her. We played a lot of yahtzee and shopped a lot of goodwill stores and ate out for breakfast and lunch. It was like getting to know her all over again without any resentments. I will forever be grateful that we were able to come to terms and enjoy each other's company. As I sit and type this the tears begin to fall again. It was indeed a blessing that she passed on so she could be at peace. Too often we lose people in our lives before we find out how important they are to us. I at least had the opportunity to tell her I loved her and to hold her hand and let her know it was o.k. to let go. I feel such a loss and yet for the past couple of months she wasn't able to communicate very well. Cliff Castle casino will surely miss her...lol. It's been strange talking to family and friends that I haven't spoke to in years. It's too bad it takes something like this to reconnect with people. Although it seems like no matter how much time has gone by we pick right back up where we left off. The next couple of days are going to be pretty rough and then starts the healing process. Somebody as domineering and opinionated as my mom was isn't easy to forget, nor would I want to. For those who knew her and for the daughter who loved her she will be sorely missed.

The Mom Back in the Country

Today I recieved a phone call updating me on my mom's condition. It's not good. The hospice nurse says she is not responsive...slipping away more each day. The hospice nurse says she doesn't expect my mom to make it through the weekend. Immediately I cry. My dad died suddenly at the age of 42 and I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. I always hated that. With Mom I have had weeks to say good-bye and a year before that to tell her how much I love her. I am so glad that we were reunited over a year ago. I enjoyed my time with her and she really seemed to enjoy her time with me. But over the last 6 months she has been so depressed and repeatedly wishing she would die. She was lonely and had a great deal of difficulty walking and that depressed her even more. I guess as her daughter I kept thinking that she should shake all those bad feelings and enjoy her time with me and my brothers. Pretty selfish...huh? With my dad being gone and now soon my mom being gone I am beginning to feel like an orphan. There is one really special lady in my life (well many special ladies) but this one is a former mother-in-law. Her son and I divorced 7 years ago but she has remained a constant in my life since then. She never fails to let me know how special I am to her and remembers every holiday. I talk to her every Saturday morning just playing catch up and she has said I can come stay with her when my mom passes. She lives about 30 minutes from my mom. My ex-husband & I are good friends which is unusual but appreciated. So now I have the warning that she is passing and it doesn't seem a whole lot better. The one thing I can say is that I don't have any regrets. I loved her and I will miss her.

The Mom Back in the Country

Last Saturday Lex Fori & I took what turned out to be one of the saddest trips I have ever made. My mom is dying at the age of 74. She resides in a nursing home and has been going down hill for about a year now. She doesn't really have any real medical problems. They are calling it failure to thrive. She is slowly starving herself to death. So I go see her and give her permission to go ahead and die. They told me that that was the best thing I could've told her. They told me she has a week to 10 days before she passes on. Lex Fori was a tremendous help...being around when I didn't want to be alone and leaving me to be alone with my mom when I needed to be. She also let my mom know that no matter what happens that her and fiancee would be there to take care of me. I know that was a huge relief for her. My mom and I were not close...actually we weren't speaking for about 8 years. Then one day I decided that I no longer wanted to be on the outs with her so I went and visited her.. That was awesome, I visited her every weekend for months until she got worse and no longer seemed to know I was there. It's really sad to think of her gone now. I will miss her terribly. So now I just wait for that final word that Mom is gone.

The Mom on the Move again!

Well, today my son asked if I could go stay with my other son and daughter-in law. It seems as though they are doing a great deal of fighting. I guess things would be better for them if I am out of the way and give them space. It kind of sucks cuz I just got to where I knew where everything is i.e. store, pharmacy, drs office. It would be a real drag if I didn't like where I am going. My other son and Lex get along real well and there is no tension at their house. I also get to spend time with my granddaughter so that also makes it sweet. I really enjoy myself at my second son and Lex's house. I have enjoyed myself at Perfect and Sadie Grey's house but there are way too many instances of tension and fighting that make it very uncomfortable to be there. Perfect is way easy to get along with. I think he is a little upset with me because of the way I acted in our last fight. I apologized for that twice but I don't think it sank in. I hate to see anybody fight and I know that they love each other but it is going to be destroyed if the fighting doesn't stop soon. I know when there is fighting going on it is not one sided. Both people seem intent on making their point, but I wonder at what costs. I love both of my sons and both of my daughter-in-laws and I hope by leaving for a while that they will come to some kind of mutual agreement and stop the fighting. It only creates hurt and long lasting resentments when two people are fighting. I certainly don't want to be the cause of any of their problems but I feel like sometimes it would be better if I were gone. I really had high hopes when I moved down here in August that we could be like one big happy family. Apparently that's not the way it's going to be and that makes me sad. I am so grateful that I have some place to go right now and that that someplace is really comfortable for me to be there. Maybe it's only temporary. I know I saw Perfect very sad today and as his mom that really hurts me too. So maybe things will work out real soon and if I have to stay gone then so be it. That is what I will do to keep the peace and as long as I am welcome at my son and Lex's house.