Thursday, October 18, 2007
The Mom Back in the Country
Last Saturday Lex Fori & I took what turned out to be one of the saddest trips I have ever made. My mom is dying at the age of 74. She resides in a nursing home and has been going down hill for about a year now. She doesn't really have any real medical problems. They are calling it failure to thrive. She is slowly starving herself to death. So I go see her and give her permission to go ahead and die. They told me that that was the best thing I could've told her. They told me she has a week to 10 days before she passes on. Lex Fori was a tremendous help...being around when I didn't want to be alone and leaving me to be alone with my mom when I needed to be. She also let my mom know that no matter what happens that her and fiancee would be there to take care of me. I know that was a huge relief for her. My mom and I were not close...actually we weren't speaking for about 8 years. Then one day I decided that I no longer wanted to be on the outs with her so I went and visited her.. That was awesome, I visited her every weekend for months until she got worse and no longer seemed to know I was there. It's really sad to think of her gone now. I will miss her terribly. So now I just wait for that final word that Mom is gone.
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It's such a sad situation, I don't know what to say, o I'll ramble. It is 4:15a.m after all, so cut me some slack if I make little sense. I had written a marathon comment when I first read this post, but of course when I went to publish it, I got an error screen and lost all my typing. ~grumble~ I hate when that happens...
Ok - I'm just going to go with random paragraphs. There will be no real structure to this comment. Fair warning.
The biggest surprise of the day for me (besides the fact that I prayed with someone, on my own intiative), was when the Hospice Attendant told you how important it was to give your mother permission to go. I remember thinking at first that it sounded odd, but it makes perfect sense to me now. If I were dying and Daughter & Fiance' told me it was ok, I would feel overwhelming relief and it would allow me to feel that I could let go and go happy, knowing that the were ready to go on living her life. It would help me enjoy death. I've always said I want to be conscious of the fact that I'm dyying, to feel it out, to finally experience that moment we are coming to from the moment we are born. I want to know what it feels like to die - and I imagine that when the people you love are ready to send you off, it makes it far easier to spend those dying moments enjoying all that your life was.
It was hard to go o the trip. I really, really, really wanted to though. I was just afraid that I wouldn't be able to help, or that I might make things more difficult. But it went so much better than I thought, and was probably the strongest bonding experience you and i have ever shared. And I'm glad we went early - I think that had a lot to do with your mom interacting as much as she did. There were moments when she seemed to understand everything we were saying... (especially when we first got there); later in the day, she seemed really out of it. Especially after they gave her her meds.
It means more to me than I can express that you felt comfortable sharing that experience with me; I was worried that it might be awkward and that you might try to box in your emotions because I was there, or just because of the situation itself. It was wonderful to see you feeling out your emotions - letting them in yourself feel without being paralyzed with sadness, anger and pain. It speaks so much to how far you have come and accomplished so far in your life.
I can't tell you how proud I am of you to know that you are allowing yourself to mourn. Maybe you need permission for that too? If so, I throw in my hat. It's so important to allow yourself to feel yor loss. Los of the good things; loss of the bad things. I hope the day will come when you are able to remember the best parts of your relationship with your mother - to not let the bad things take away from those memories that were happpy and meaningful to you. (Yhatzee anyone?). You get to choose what you want to focus on, and if you let yourself take away the best you can, it will be a victory all or own. When my father died, I focused for years on all the bad, terrible things he did. It took me years, but eventually I realized that, despite his horrendous fauults, I loved my father (in my way). I hated things that he did - but I wasn't about to let that take away those few memories I have of us having fun together. I remember when he took me to buy my Cabbage Patch Doll when I was 3 - the memory is etched in my mind. He was so happy. We laughed, we ran around, and we picked out my doll together. I still have that doll to this day. And the time when he convinced me that his green cadillac could fly. I beieved him, for so many years, it was like his own personal BatMobile. He had so much fun telling me his tall-tales and I was giddy in my youthful belief.
What do you suppose comes next? Do you think you will go through another anger stage? With her death, will you want to talk about your childhood or will it "close the door"? I know you've told me things in the last weeks that almost nobody knows... Does it help to tell those stories? I know it helped me to better understand where you come from - but does it help you?
I've noticed that it seems like you are already mourning your mother's death. I hope it makes it a little easier on you when she passes that you had some time to take everything in and start coming to terms with the inevitable. I've always wondered what is easier to deal with - a sudden death or a drawn-out ilness that everyone knows wil lead to death. I can see pros and cons to both.
I don't know how I feel about the 7-10 days estimate. When the Caretaker said that, all i could think of was your brother - when they gave him a certain amount of time and he, seriously, showed them like a big dog (and continues to do so).
I've always wondered how Failure to Thrive works, psychologically. I wonder whether your mother recognizes what she is doing? Is it a decision she made, or is her will to live just run out and she doesn't realize it?
Finally, would you share with us some of the happiest moments/memories you have of your mother? (Mayybe your next post). I know it's hard to see the good through so much difficulty - but if there are any times you can think of that made you feel happy with your mom -- I'd love to hear about them.
I love you forever and ever
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